you want potatoes au gratin? you want an amazing cheese sauce base? you got it sucka!

i got this crazy thing for my birthday called a mandolin. it's like this insane thing that makes slicing easier than spelling. fo reals.

so i decided to whip up some potatoes au gratin cause my cutting skills aren't like, totally faboo. i can cut junk; don't get me wrong, but it takes forever and it isn't exactly uniform.

i have not one clue how much these bad boy mandolins cost and nor do i want to but i suggest that anybody that likes to slice stuff should get one. you can even choose the size of what you are slicing on the madolin i got not to mention there is a blade for making crinkle cuts, french fry cuts, and julianne cuts. mad crazy!

the cheese sauce in this mofo can be used as a base for chips or you could add all sorts of madness to your au gratin like jalapeno peppers minced or veggies or meat or whatever. bacon, chives and/or green onion would be amazing add ons.

whatchoo need:

potatoes....depending on the size of your pan you can rock anywhere between 3-4 of um. or more. whatevs.

5 tablespoons butter

6 tablespoons flour

4 cups milk

2 garlic cloves, minced

2 teaspoons salt

1 teaspoon pepper

4 cups shredded cheddar cheese

1 cup parmesan cheese, shredded

whatchoo do:

1. slice your potatoes and your onion on your crazy mandolin at the 1/4 setting. if you haven't got this wonderous invention then cube your pots and slice your onions. it doesn't bother me any.

2. spray a baking dish or casserole dish with non-stick cooking spray. or butter it if you are feeling like you need about 400 additional trips to the gym later.

3. make a layer of sliced potatoes.

4. put onions on top of said layer. DO IT.

5. make another layer of sliced potatoes.

6. make more onions happen on top.

7. put your final layer of sliced potatoes on top of the final layer of onions. if you have a mandolin, this'll take about a mean 5 minutes. if you don't welcome to a good 45.

8. in a sauce pan, melt your butter over about a medium/8 setting. buttttter.

9. add your flour, mixing so it isn't all clumpity and gross.

10. add the milk and garlic. mix again.

11. dump your cheese in. see the future in it's shapes and twirls.

12. season and TASTE TASTE TASTE while stirring. you don't want no bunk au gratin.

13. when the cheese is all melty and the sauce is thick, pour just over top of your potato/onion dish. save anything else for later cause it'll make a mean nacho/chip dip.

14. sprinkle your parm on top.

15. cover with tin foil tightly and bake for an hour and a half. yup, you done have to wait.

16. uncover and let sit for 10-20 minutes to totally thicken. 

17. declare yourself the president of potatoville and start a war with any non-starches. then eat yourself silly in a celebration ceremony.

jenni's coconut smoothie

whatchoo need

*1/2 can of unsweet coconut milk -NOTE- don't put the can in the fridge till after you open it. else it seperates and when you open it you'll all be like "whhhha?"

*6 large strawberries, tops cut off

*1 banana

*1 tablespoon flaxseed (optional)

All you got to do is dump all the stuff above into a blender. I would recommend that you add the coconut milk a little at a time, that way your smoothie won't be too thin. And also, if you want a super cold smoothie you should use frozen fruits.

jenni's jus jus sandwich

are you party people in the mood for something totally yummy and grossly easy? try this one - jenni's jus jus sandwich. it's basically a french dip with my ghetto touches on it. so maybe i should say it's a sarasota dip. or a melbourne dip. or where eva you wanna imagine my crazy ass coming from. 

warning ya before hand - you need a slow cooker to make this happen. they aren't expensive and betcha you could even find one at a thrift shop if you wanted to. make it work!

when you are done, throw your hands up and say "jus jus jus jus jus!"

stuff you need:

* 2 large white onions. slice um in half then make length wise cuts all down the body of the onion. then slice width wise to end up with not too long strips. easy peasy. or, if you are mad lazy buy them pre-sliced in the produce section.

* a pint o mushrooms, sliced. white mushrooms are fine as rain.

* two tablespoons of unsalted butter, divided and cut into quarters

* 3 -4 lbs boneless bottom round roast. it really just has to be a roast, whatever is on sale.

* 4 cups water from the purest of springs. just messing, i get my water out of my sink.

* 1 cup beef broth - optional. you can sub this for an additional cup o water if you want. or if you want to go all beef crazy you could add more beef broth and take out the water. just watch it, you don't want it to get too sailor salty on ya - which it will if you aren't careful.

* 1/2 cup soy sauce - this ingredient is why more salt isn't happening. soy sauce has mad salt. you could in theory add pepper but i would be sparing. 

* 1 envelope onion soup mix

* 3 cloves minced garlic. cause everrrrythang is better with garlic. and you can get this junk pre-minced in the produce section too. like biggie said, "if you don't know, now ya knooooow!"

* sub rolls. you could use french rolls but that junk is hard. i like martin's unseeded hoagie rolls cause they are soft but not so soft that the jus makes them fall apart (gag). if you have teeth of steel feel free to use the french ones.

* swiss cheese sliced. i like to cut um into triangles all subway style. you can make the swiss happen shredded if you can find it. shredded swiss doesn't happen up my way.

what to do:

1. cut the onions like i DONE TOLD YOU BEFORE. ha ha ha.

2. put them in the bottom of the slow cooker.

3. dump the sliced mushrooms into the bottom of the slow cooker as well. mix them with the onions.

4. take your divided quartered tablespoons of butter delight and scatter them on top of the onion/mushroom mix. 

5. place your roast on top of the onion/mushroom/butter mess you just made.

6. take the onion soup mix, garlic, water, broth, soy sauce and whisk it all around in a bowl. you don't have to have a whisker (is this the correct technical name......? prolly not), you could just use a fork till the soup powder isn't all lumpity.

7. pour the mixed up stuff over your roast.

8. let that stuff cook on low for 6-9 hours, depending on the doneness you like. i like a little bit rarer of a cut so i would look to take this stuff out around hour 7 or so. the watery junk that'll end up will be your jus so don't stress when you see the liquid rise. you want that to happen.

9. take the beef out and let it just sit and ponder it's life for about 5 minutes. this'll seal the juices in and also keep it from burning your cute little fingers off when you cut it.

10. in the meantime when your beef is cold chillin, take a colander and put it over a big bowl. pour the remaining stuff from your crock pot into the colander. this'll separate the onions, garlic, and mushrooms from the jus jus jus. put the onion/mushroom/garlic in another bowl.

11. slice your beef as thin as you can, against the grain else it'll fall apart. don't fret about uneven pieces or whatever, you aren't getting graded.

12. place your oven on broil and open your rolls.

13. put slices of beef, then mushroom/onion/garlic mix, then cheese into your rolls. put them on a cookie sheet.

14. place into your oven until cheese melts. it won't take too long, so watch it.

15. pour jus into an appropriate sized bowl for dipping.

16. consume mass quanities or serve mass quanities. either way you are going to look BRILLIANT.

stink AKA steakkkk

so there is this mad southern chick that makes mad good food named chef blyth beck. she had a reality show that i learned crazy dirty south skills off of but it got cancelled. tear!

it didn't go away before i learned to make her steaks though. confetti! like these better than any stinking marinade mess i've done before. enjoy!

2 servings....wow, i got loose with servings. how fancy of me.

stuff you'll need:

* 2 steaks about 1-1/2 inches thick. don't matter what kind. be careful if you get bone in steak though cause those things cook faster for whatever reason. i think that bone in is more flavorful and i like um better even though they are a tad harder to eat.

**off note - room temp steaks are the easiest to cook. let your steaks sit and chill before you cook**

* 2 tablespoons olive oil

* 4 tablespoons unsalted butter, divided

* salt to taste

* pepper to taste

what to do:

1. pre-heat your oven to 425 degrees.

2. pour olive oil into a large skillet that'll hold the two steaks.

3. pre-heat the skillet on about 8 or 9 on the top of the stove.

4. salt and pepper the steaks. i like to have a nice amount of pepper and just a lil amount of salt. i am totally not going to pretend that i know what level of salt you like cause it varies from person to person.

5. sear the steaks in the skillets on both sides. make sure you get a good deep brown that isn't burnt. you can do this by flipping them often and watching what is happening.

6. take your butter and rub the divided amounts on both steaks.

7. stick your skillet into the oven. if you have plastic or rubber handles you will have to wrap them in tin foil so they will not burn.

8. take your steak out in 6-8 minutes depending on the doneness you like.

9. be impressed with yourself cause you should be, you steak master you!